Why your kids shouldn’t be your highest priority and how to make yourself a priority

Either you were super triggered by me stating that your kids shouldn’t be your highest priority or you’re curious and want to learn more…

Imagine that you are sitting on an airplane. Your seat belt is buckled and you are taxing out to the runway for take-off. The flight attendant gets on the speaker and starts the safety briefing, they get to the part about losing cabin pressure and oxygen masks coming out of the compartments overhead, what do they always say? Put your oxygen mask on FIRST – BEFORE assisting others. You are no help to another person if you are passed out from lack of oxygen. This same principle applies to parenting.

I am not saying that your kids should never be your highest priority or that they shouldn’t be a priority at all. I am also not saying that you should put your own needs before your kids basic safety and survival. I am simply saying that you matter too.

Your hopes, your dreams, the things that make you happy – they all matter.

This study published in the Daily Mail claims that the average mom gets 17 minutes of time to herself each day. 17 MINUTES.

How do you expect to be able to recharge and be the best mom that you can be with only 17 minutes of time to focus on yourself each day?

NEWS FLASH – you can’t.

You can’t be the best mom.

You can’t be the best spouse.

You can’t be the best friend.

You can’t be the best you.

Now, think about the quality of time that you are giving your kids. If you are mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, because you only get 17 minutes of “you” time each day – you cannot have the presence of mind to really focus on your child. You will be distracted, absent and not able to truly enjoy the time that you have with them.

(I want to preface this next part with the fact that I have an amazing husband who took 10 months off work to take care of and support our son. He has, and continues to be involved in every aspect of parenting. But, there is still this invisible load that motherhood carries. The anxiety, the fear, the shame, the guilt, the racing thoughts, these are all things that he cannot tame. This is what I am going to talk about below.)

This is what happened to me. I lost myself in motherhood. In the early days of maternity leave, I was so consumed with putting Brodie first that I stopped taking care of myself. It got so bad that doing something for myself became debilitating. The weight, guilt and emotional distress of even getting into the shower seemed impossible.

I was buried under the weight of “doing it all”. I couldn’t even remember the things that made me happy before I became a mom.

I was scattered, distracted and overwhelmed – I was choosing quantity over quality. I was spending every waking minute with him. I thought that the amount of time I spent with him is what mattered. Little did I know that he was not receiving the quality of attention that he needed. I was there but I wasn’t present and in the moment. I was a zombie, going through the motions.

I was miserable. I didn’t enjoy motherhood. I dreaded waking up in the morning because I knew that another day of monotony was starting.

Then I broke.

I lost my shit.

I didn’t recognize the person that I had become.

That is when I realized that something needed to change. I needed to focus on finding myself again.

I needed to make myself a priority.

This idea may seem completely foreign to you. How can you imagine your kids not being your #1 priority? How can you even think about making time for yourself with the mile long to-do list that is staring at you every time you close your eyes?

Start small.

Don’t change everything at once because this will lead to more overwhelm and imbalance. Focus on making small, meaningful changes.

The first thing I did was commit to 5 minutes of “me” time per day. When I started to get super overwhelmed and frustrated, I would put Brodie in his crib (where I knew he would be safe) and I sat outside of the door with a timer on for 5 minutes. For those 5 minutes I focused on slowing my thoughts, grounding myself, recharging, stretching, running in place.

After doing this for a month or so, I started to realize how important this “me” time was to my mental health. So, I started to ask for help. I would ask my husband to watch Brodie for 10, 15, 20 minutes while I focused on doing something for myself.

The idea here is that you have to force yourself to find the time. There will be a million excuses, there will always be chores that need to be done. But, I want to tell you a secret – the dishes will be still be there in 5 minutes, the neverending pile of laundry will still be there in 5 minutes.

Make these 5 minutes of your day – the most important.

Your child’s happiness and well-being is directly correlated to your happiness and well-being. Your mood, temperament, mental health, emotional state – they all have an impact on your child. We are their role models – we need to model balance and healthy habits.